"no rules" by peter bd
rachael is getting ready for her 16th birthday party and she’s extremely excited about it. rachael lives in seattle, she’s beautiful, and everyone in her high school is going because even though rachael is super religious and is the lead bassist of seattle’s premiere christian youth rock band (rachael lee and the apostles), she always throws the hottest, most talked about birthday parties.
before the party starts, rachael and her mom have a heart to heart:
mom: i can’t believe you’re turning 16 already. it just felt like you were 6!
rachael: i know. i’m like a grown woman now. i can’t believe it
mom: rachael, i just want you to know that i’m super proud of you and wish you nothing but happiness and success in the coming year. i love you
rachael: aw mom. i love you too
after this, mother and daughter do jello shots because rachael’s mom is not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom.
during rachael’s party all of the best songs are played. here are some of the songs that everybody jams to at rachael’s party:
'tipsy' by jkwon
'yeah' by usher
'toxic' by britney spears
something 50 cent related
'american idiot' by green day
'hey ya' by outkast
'hey mama' by the black eyed peas
'with you' by jessica simpson
'pieces of me' by ashlee simpson
'over and over' by nelly ft tim mccgraw
and other popular songs that everyone enjoyed in september 2004. some songs by beyonce are also played because beyonce was just as relevant in 2004 as she is today.
rachael’s house is a complete disaster after her successful party but her mom doesn’t care (remember: cool mom) and tells rachael that it’s ok to be irresponsible on your birthday as long as no one gets hurt
mom: living it up on your birthday is what god would want
rachael: thanks mom
flash forward 10 years later and rachael is getting ready for her 26th birthday party. rachael now lives in brooklyn, is even more beautiful than she was at 16, and all her brooklyn friends are going to attend because rachael is still the hbic of throwing birthday parties.
before the party starts, rachael and her man (johnny) have a short convo.
johnny: i’m so lucky to have a girl like you in my life
after their conversation rachael sets up the booze and snack table, takes a bunch of selfies in her pink party dress, and waits for her guests to arrive. her birthday is the best that brooklyn has ever seen and all her old high school friends don’t like any of her birthday facebook photos because they’re secretly jealous that rachael now has her birthday soiree’s on the east coast
highlight’s from rachael’s party:
- johhny teaching party goers how to do pull ups
- sarah jean break dancing to a vintage backstreet boys song
- sam riviere and sophie collins flying in from bellfast specifically for rachael
- conor getting black out drunk and streaking
- lucy singing her favorite songs a capella
- andrew doing an impromptu reading from walls
- kale being kale
- karina being asked to leave early because she was unconsciously stealing the spotlight
- shobun buying beers for everyone at the party (he just got paid that day)
- maggie admitting to everyone that she’s still a teen
- jonathan describing what it’s like to not live in new york
- chris out gothing the other goths in attendance
- rachael cursing out people from her old google job that she didn’t invite
- everyone shedding a tear when matt performed a dance move that no one had ever seen
- samantha entering the party by fire escape
- jonasin being a positive life force who inspires us all
- tori getting wasted but not throwing up cause she’s a pro
- jordan administering his vice cards
- rachael getting a pizza cake delivered to her by mary j blige’s publicist
- jacob getting a $200 ticket for having hair that is too long
- theo finally admitting to everyone that he’s not 19
- adam getting a stick and poke neck tat (courtesy of sarah)
- rachael having a great time
- beyonce’s music being played because she’s even more relevant in 2014 than she is in 2004
after everybody gathered their belongings and left the party rachael skyped with her mom.
mom: did you have a great time at your party?
rachael: yes. i got wasted and danced the whole time
mom: you’re officially a grown woman now
rachael used to be a contractor for google and had an ok time working there. her daily tasks at google included doing a thing then another thing then another thing then another thing then doing a thing then taking a lunch break then doing another thing until she exited the google offices and got after work drinks with her friends at the commodore.
one time a homeless man screamed at rachael that he was his wife which made her feel bad for her cat because he’ll never know how cool it is to have a pet of his own and she knows that it’s an established cliche that the post office is hell because one other guy in the office has her birthday which made her give him dirty looks because boys need to stop telling rachael what to do unless she’s told them to tell her what to do because good news everyone, she doesn’t have hiv but she remembered philip seymour hoffman is dead and felt sad and when it was5:36 pm she realized she hadn’t peed once but she found cheetos in the work kitchen and was cheered and guess what? she’s a pretty good ex girlfriend in that she’s mostly nice which gave way to her thinking about tweeting her phone number because it seemed confident and sexy cause at the end of the day she’s just like walking around thinking about how writing poetry is dumb then after this she eats taco bell not because she’s sad but because she likes the way it tastes then after this a cab driver prays for her and her job interview then after that she’s burning bridges with basic bitches cause she aint afraid so don’t think that she cares that you called her out not once but twice for having a pininterest because when all is said and done she hoped everyone thought the zit on her lip was herpes because acne is embarrassing though self destructive tendencies are basically just her putting too much hot sauce in her cup noodles and then microwaving it for so long that it burns her cause like there was a helicopter so she waved at it and brought a (you guessed it) avocado and she ate it and like tweet & delete and like deprimido because like burger king brooklyn beyonce when faving feels like a favor knowles but definitely the mosquitos have found her because boys r boring
the beyonce and rachael connection
beyonce and rachael were both born on september 1st. here are some other things they have in common:
they can both twerk better than miley cyrus
they both live in new york
they are both independent women
they both are on the fence about kim kardashian
they both are style icons
they both are divas
they are both extremely intelligent
they both don’t give a fuck about naysayers
they both are flawless
they both don’t understand why we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same
they both don’t know why we raise girls to see each other as competitors, not for jobs or for accomplishments which can be a good thing, but for the attention of men
they both want girls to know that they can be sexual beings In the way that boys are
they are both feminists i.e. they believe in the social political, and economic equality of the sexes
they both woke up like this
they both believe that bitches should bow down to them
they are both dichotomous
their mothers taught them both about good home training
a.j. is the name rachael uses when she needs to go on her secret covert operations. the first time she used this moniker was when she was in paris over the winter. for some reason, rachael was meeting too many rachel’s and raechaell’s so she decided to change her name as a way to differentiate herself from all the other basics who had the audacity to share the same name as she. so in paris, everyone was like ‘hey a.j.’ and ‘bonjour a.j.’ the other girls named rachael were furious that she was getting all this attention and tried unsuccessfully to sabotage rachael’s trip. rachael didn’t notice any of this because she was too busy eating decadent croissants, hanging out with her attractive friends, and having a cool name that no other rachael in paris could think of.
another time that rachael used a.j. was when she was getting stalked by someone at google. his name was craig and he would always wander over to rachael’s desk and act all creepy and shit. craig would be all like ‘hey baby’ and rachael would be all like ‘craig go away’ and craig would be all like ‘i think you’re a super hot babe’ and rachael would be like ‘craig go away’ and craig would be like ‘i want to wine and dine you at olive garden’ and rachael would be like ‘craig go away’ then craig would ask for rachael’s name and she’d be like ‘a.j.’ and he’d believe it then she’d be like ‘gtfoh craig’ then craig would leave. lol, what an idiot craig was.
the most recent time rachael used a.j. was when she was planning a surprise goth themed birthday party for her bestie oscar bruno d’artois or as his close friends and lovers call him: chris. anytime anyone who was a part of party planning was around chris and had to call rachael about something party related, they would refer to her as a.j. lest chris would find out and her goth themed extravaganza would go to shit. on the day of chris’s party, rachael convinced him to go with her to a book festival. chris was apprehensive at first but then agreed immediately once rachael told him it was goth themed. rachael kept chris at the festival all day and they did lots of goth themed activities like read goth books, listen to goth music, and eat authentic goth cuisine. after this, rachael rushed to the party location and gothed it out completely. when chris arrived and saw the black streamers, balloons, and cupcakes, he was overwhelmed and surprised by how goth everything turned out. the party was a success and everyone had a super great time. while chris blew out his goth candles, someone texted rachael ‘good job a.j.’ and she texted back ‘hehe thanks’
in february 2014 a.j. mclean from the backstreet boys ran into rachael on s 4th street. when she told him her name was a.j. as well, he started crying and thanked her for making him feel less alone in the world.
10 things you don’t hate about rachael
10. she can party all night and still look well rested in the morning
9. she is the only known human that can ride the g train and not look depressed
8. she plays all the hottest songs whenever she’s asked to dj at an event
7. if she hates you, you won’t be able to hate her back because, duh, she’s rachael
6. she can make a boring situation fun
5. if you want her to beat up someone who was mean to you she will do it because she is a ride or die type of friend
4. she’s the kind of person to always find a solution to a problem
3. she always comes up with fresh and innovative poses when her picture is taken which is not an easy thing to accomplish
2. she doesn’t take any shit
1. she loves her haters because god would want that
over new years, rachael got robbed in paris. you might’ve heard stories about what happened but here’s how it really when down:
rachael and johnny have just finished having a post new years dinner at a bougie parisian eatery. johnny wants to continue partying because he’s wasted and had fun being out of control at the chateau party they left earlier but all rachael wants to do is go to sleep.
johnny obliges and him and rachael begin walking towards their place of sleeping. while walking, a man comes up behind rachael, grabs her by the neck and demands that she give him all of her money.
rachael says no and tells the guy to go fuck himself (in french). after this, the guy snatches rachael’s purse out of her hand and begins running away. rachael kisses johhny on the lips and tells him to sit tight while she retrieves her purse from the guy. johnny says ok because he’s too fucked up to do anything else.
just when the guy thinks that he got away from rachael, she catches up to him and stabs him in the back with her pocket knife. the guy screams and begs rachael for forgiveness while handing her back her belongings. rachael tells him that he shouldn’t have fucked with her in the first place. the guy tells rachael that he’s impressed with her ability to get her stuff back at all costs. rachael grabs the rest of her shit and tells the guy that robbing her was the dumbest thing he could’ve ever attempted to do. she says this in french.
when rachael returns to johnny, he’s passed out and curled up on a bench. she wakes him up and then they go back to their place of sleeping.
moral of the story: if you try to rob rachael, she’ll cut you
from bushwick to bedstuy
rachael in bushwick: 25
rachael in bed-stuy: 26
rachael in bushwick: cute
rachael in bed-stuy: gorgeous
rachael in bushwick: google
rachael in bed-stuy: indeed
rachael in bushwick: ‘hi my name is rachael’
rachael in bed-stuy: ‘hi my name is rachael lee nelson and i’m a boss’
rachael in bushwick: long hair
rachael in bed-stuy: long hair don’t care
rachael in bushwick: lover off all things goth
rachael in bed-stuy: goth aficionado
rachael in bushwick:
rachael in bed-stuy:
rachael in bushwick: queen
rachael in bed-stuy: queen of the goddam snobs
the magnum opus that is six dead dogs
one time when rachael was in washington square park, she decided that she wanted to kill all the squirrels. she was successful in killing every evil little squirrel that she came across. after this, rachael killed all the ppl who fed the squirrels as well as the idiots who were entertained by the squirrels being fed. rachael did not get punished for all of this violence she was committing because people feared what she would do to them if they scolded her.
another time that rachael acted on her impulses, was when she went to mccarren park and burned down all the trees. all the goddamn trees. she burned down the little ones. she burned down the big ones. she even burned down her favorites. yea, she didn’t give a fuck at all. she’s going to laugh when you go to maccarren park in autumn and you’ll have zero foliage to gawk at.
a couple of months ago, rachael opened her window and hurled her mattress at some dogs and some ppl and the dogs died and the ppl cried but rachael 100% gave no fucks because she only needs herself and not dogs and definitely not you.
is a good friend
is a new age feminist
is not your average human being
is still in the running towards becoming america’s next top model
is like lena dunham except better
is not taking any of your bullshit today
is due for a raise
is ready for whatever comes her way
is not a girl not yet woman
is a girl
is a grown ass woman
is superman as well as superwoman
is your bestie
is the one who will always be there for you
is not the type of person to not answer a text swiftly
is going to the olympics in 2 years and you can’t stop her
is the last girl on earth so treat her with respect
is the last human on earth and is ok with it because she needs some alone time
is the last squirrel on earth but not really because lol rachael killed all the squirrels
is cooler than your dad
is cooler than all your dad’s friends
is on her way to your dad’s friend’s houses so she can showcase how cooler she is compared to them
is ready for the haters to come out when she gets famous
is already famous so she already has haters and she laughs at them when she sees them in public
is the president
is the vice president
is the speaker of the house
is the lincoln memorial
is the national mall
is all of washington dc
is level headed
is hot headed when she’s not level headed
is both a hot head and a level head
is none of the above
is just rachael lee nelson
is on the internet and irl so feel blessed that she exists
peter bd is a real sweetheart and i’m glad he’s my friend